5 Common Signs A Man Or Woman Is Playing You


Question: Everything was amazing for four months. We talked about future plans and what we want from the relationship. But then two weeks ago, he kind of started to pull away. I asked him why he all of a sudden seemed distant and he said he felt things were moving too fast.

I’m confused. I don’t know if he’s playing me or if he’s taking his time and just doesn’t want to rush anything. I just want to be sure he still wants to be with me and i’m not just wasting my time on a relationship that is going nowhere.

Yangki’s Answer: Just as each person is different, each relationship is different and the time frames that apply in one relationship may not apply in another.

But with all the head game-playing on both sides (and by even supposedly grown ups who should know better), it’s sometimes hard to tell who is just following some stupid rules, who is playing you and who is taking things slowly because they want to be sure they are making the right decisions.

I’ve tried to compile my own “signs” that help me when dealing with clients situations, and these are just 5 of some of the most obvious ones.

1. If you’re in the dark about what’s going on and he (or she) isn’t doing anything to explain or can’t come up with a plausible explanation of what is happening with the future of the relationship — you’re being played.

2. If the person suddenly pulls back from being fully involved (initiating contact, responding to your texts, emails, calls etc) to zero involvement (ignoring you or in a rush to get away) and he (or she) doesn’t care that his (or her) actions are hurting you — you’re being played.

3. If he (or she) is always saying he (or she) doesn’t have “enough” time for you but he (or she) seems to have enough time to do everything else including go out on other dates — you’re being played.

4. If he (or she) comes across as too good to be true or his (or her) words don’t always match his (or her) actions — you’re being played.

5. If he (or she) spends more time telling you that the relationship is neither right nor going anywhere, it is always the case that he (or she) is living down to his/her expectations – you are being played and you’re wasting your time.

Bottom line:  If there is positive energy and clear signs of “good-will” or loving intentions from the other person, then it’s most likely he (or she) just feels that things are moving too fast for him (or her) and just stepping back to reset the pace at which things are moving. He (or she) is not playing you.

Stepping back and resetting the pace of a relationship that was moving too fast should feel “right” for both of you. You may not always agree on just how much to pull back or even if things were going too fast, but there has to be a kind of comfort that things are still “moving forward”; a little slower but progressively moving forward.


  • Roc says:

    Women love a challenge. If there’s no challenge, she’ll have no interest in you.

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    • Love Doctor, Yangki Christine Akiteng Love Doctor, Yangki Christine Akiteng says:

      Women say the same thing about men… “Men love a challenge. If there’s no challenge, he’ll have no interest in you.”

      The reality though is that SOME Women love a challenge, and SOME men love a challenge. MOST women and MOST men don’t. You put too many roadblocks and they lose interest (too much work!)

      And those that love the challenge… well, they love THE CHALLENGE… and always looking for the next one.

      The problem for many men and women is that they’re looking for a relationship, but go for men and women looking for a challenge… go figure!

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  • Becky K. says:

    Yangki, in relationships doesn’t everyone play games one way or the other? Isn’t it part of human nature to want what we can’t have? The Law of Scarcity is the oldest trick in the book and used in economics everyday. The more scarce you are, the more they want you. I’ve seen it with many men I’ve dated. When a woman becomes the pursuer, the guy pulls a disappearing act. When she stops pursuing him, he comes back.

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    • Love Doctor, Yangki Christine Akiteng Love Doctor, Yangki Christine Akiteng says:

      I hear you, that happens a lot, unfortunately. It happens when you date “boys” (or “girls”). I’ll explain the difference later. Let me answer the human nature question first.

      Wanting what we can’t have is part of a human nature that comes from a place of emptiness (scarcity mentality). We want this, and even when we get it, we want more/or want something else. It’s like trying to fill a bottomless pit. Very tiring!

      Human nature that comes from a place of fullness knows what it wants, goes after it and when we have it, we’re content (with what we have).

      Is playing games normal in relationships?

      In teen and tween relationships, mind games are considered “normal”. That’s why I work with people 24 yo. plus. I can’t fault anyone under 25 for being emotionally immature, they’re expected to be because of their age… and mind games go hand in hand with emotional immaturity.

      But when you are expected to be mature and still think playing mind games is okay… something is NOT right.

      The older we get, the less tolerance (emotionally mature and well-adjusted men and women) have for mind games and all BS. We may be very attracted to you and/or in love with you but get turned off by immature games. We expect you to act your age.

      But like most people who think mind games are a normal part of relationships, you up the stakes and play even more mind games. If we’re really into you and want to be with you, we check out emotionally just so we can tolerate your immaturity (for a while longer). Unfortunately when we check out… you start complaining… and we’re like “That’s IT! I can’t take anymore of this BS.”

      But if we want to teach you a lesson… GAME ON! And since we are fully aware of what we are doing versus you who thinks it’s a “normal” part of relationships, we can really mess you up. Most of us however don’t try to mess you up because then we become just like you… immature and dysfunctional.

      Btw, when I use “we” and “you”, it’s not directed at you personally. Just using it to highlight the difference.

      I think you’ll find this interesting: Dating A Girl Vs. Dating A Woman

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  • Erin says:

    Yangki, I hear what you are saying, but wouldn’t confronting him with it cause him to pull away? Last time when I accused him of hiding things from me, he was so angry.

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    • Love Doctor, Yangki Christine Akiteng Love Doctor, Yangki Christine Akiteng says:

      I wasn’t talking about “confronting” him. In my opinion, “confront” implies an accuser and a defendant, one who’s right and one who’s wrong, a winner and a loser, etc. Most situations when approached with that kind of mindset don’t end well.

      I’m talking about being open with him about how you feel without making it look like he’s done something to wrong. For all you know at this point, it’s probably just your issues… nothing is going on.

      Will he get upset or pull away? May be. But keeping things in actually causes more damage than getting it out in the open.

      When you keep it in, it eats at you and one day it just comes out in ways you had not planned or can handle. An argument or fight begins. Things get out of hand. Often times at this point, it’s too late to do any thing to make things better.

      Planning before hand, how and when you bring it out in the open gives you better control of yourself and of the conversation. But more importantly, you get to address the issue before it gets to the point when it’s too late to do anything.

      Most people appreciate you expressing your concerns in a reasonable rationale way than acting irrationally or sneaking behind their back.

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  • Erin says:

    Yangki, I have a gut feeling that my ex is playing me and seeing someone else. I have no proof of this and have been tempted several times to look into his phone. I haven’t done it because that’s why we broke up before. He found out I had checked his texts and emails. Without proof, I can’t confront him and win. But I also don’t want to be his backup plan.

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    • Love Doctor, Yangki Christine Akiteng Love Doctor, Yangki Christine Akiteng says:

      Let me address what jumps at me first. Are you trying to “win” (justify your suspicions) or trying to create a loving sustainable relationship? If you are looking for evidence prove that you were right to look into his phone the first time, then this is not about a gut feeling, but about YOU.

      That said, you obviously don’t trust your ex, and may be you have good reason not to. But instead of doing what didn’t work before (snoop around), why not go to him with your concerns and let him deny or confirm them. Of course he may deny it even when there is something going on, but if you go with an open mind, you can tell a lot from his reaction.

      Make your decision based on whether you want to continue in a relationship where you can’t trust someone and they aren’t doing anything to address your concerns, or accept that you can’t control what your ex does, and try to find how to be at peace with what you can’t control.

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