Question: I met him on one of my business trips. I’m 43, he’s 34. The chemistry was instant and strong. He asked for my number and he immediately called me. Soon after that we started seeing each other every other every, spending some nights at my place and some nights at his. We both have very busy lives but we always found time to be with each other. Everything was amazing for almost a month and a half. We talked about future plans and what we want from the relationship. But then two weeks ago, he kind of started to pull away. I asked him why he all of a sudden seemed distant and he said he felt things were moving too fast. He said he cares for me and is falling for me but doesn’t want to rush in and rush out. I’m totally confused. I don’t know if he’s playing me or if he’s taking his time and just doesn’t want to rush anything.
I’ve never been in the role of the chaser before. All my relationships, the guys chased after me and said they wanted to be with me forever blah…blah… but then they broke up with me a few months later. Although this guy is younger than me and all my other boyfriends including my ex-husband, he is more mature in his outlook to life and a lot more responsible than most guys. I just want to be sure he still wants to be with me and i’m not just wasting my time on a relationship that is going nowhere.
The Love Doctor’s Answer: Just as each person is different, each relationship is different and the timeframes that apply in one relationship may not apply in another. But I think that if within just a month and a half you were already seeing each other every other every day and talking about future plans, things were moving a little too fast. And he is right in saying that people who rush in quite often rush out too.
But how do you know if someone is playing you versus taking his (or her time) to get to know you?
With all the “Rules” and head game playing on both sides (and by even supposedly grown ups who should know better) it’s sometimes hard to tell who is just following some stupid rules (playing you) and who is taking things seriously and just wants to make sure they are making the right decisions.
I’ve tried to compile my own “signs” that help me when dealing with clients situations, and these are just 5 of some of the most obvious ones.
1. If you’re in the dark about what’s going on and he (or she) isn’t doing anything to explain or can’t come up with a plausible explanation of what is happening with the future of the relationship, then you’re being played.
2. If the person suddenly pulls back from being fully involved (initiating contact, responding to your texts, emails, calls etc) to zero involvement (ignoring you or in a rush to get away) or if he (or she) doesn’t care that his (or her) actions are hurting you, you’re being played.
3. If he (or she) is always saying he (or she) doesn’t have “enough” time for you but he (or she) seems to have enough time to do everything else including go out on other dates, you’re being played.
4. If he (or she) comes across as too good to be true or his (or her) words don’t always match his (or her) actions, you’re being played.
5. If he (or she) spends more time telling you that the relationship is neither right nor going anywhere, it is always the case that he (or she) is living down to his/her expectations – and you’re just wasting your time.
Bottom line: If there is positive energy and clear signs of “good-will” or loving intentions from the other person, then it’s mostl likely he (or she) just feels that things are moving too fast for him (or her). The stepping back and resetting the pace of a relationship that was moving too fast should feel “right” for both of you. You may not always agree on just how much to pull back or even if things were going too fast but there has to be a kind of comfort that things are still “moving forward”; a little slower but progressively moving forward.
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Good points. No.6 should be, if he still talks fondly of his ex girlfriend and hangs around attractive women, you’re being played.
I see what you mean. I wouldn’t necessary put that down as an obvious sign. Yes, he may still talk fondly of his ex girlfriend but if it’s in past tense, then that’s over. You’re the one he wants to be with now.
That’s my point. If he wants to be with you then his ex should be something of the past. I’d be bothered if my bf still talked fondly of his ex or was friends with his ex. I would never feel like I was priority in his life.
So for you to feel like priority in his life, you feel that you should have a say in who your bf should and should not talk to or hang out with. Wouldn’t that make you appear seriously insecure? How do you think your bf would take it you telling him who he can be friends with or hang out with? How would you feel if your bf told you who you can hang out with or be friends with? Just curious…
Not all friends, just his ex and attractive women who he might be tempted to have sex with. I’d not just tell him, I’d ask him politely to stop talking to his ex or hanging out with certain women. As for my ex bfs, I’m not friends with any of my ex bfs. The past is a past for a reason.
Wouldn’t it bother you if the person you’re with talks to his ex or hangs around attractive women? I find that very strange!
As a matter of fact, I’m NOT bothered by my guy talking to his exes or hanging out with attractive woman. I’m even good friends with all his exes and they’re very attractive women. It is one reason I was and still very attracted to him. He can be around stunningly attractive women, carry his own with confidence and won’t jump into bed just because he can.
If you really cared about somebody – and they’re simply cool people who were good to you – it’s not like you appreciate them one day and you stop the next. It all depends on individual characters and how you remember them and how they remember you.
There’s plenty of people in the world to be friends with, why an ex? Many people have ended up cheating with an ex because of the history they have together. What if he has second thoughts about getting back together with them?
I guess we should also throw trust and commitment out of the window and let people sleep with whoever they want.
1. “There’s plenty of people in the world to be friends with, why an ex?”
True, but why not an ex? They are “people” too…
2. What if he has second thoughts about getting back together with them?
Those are his decisions and choices to make. The way I see it is, if a man (or woman) wants to cheat with an ex or someone else, he (or she) will cheat. Even if you try to prevent it, they’ll find ways to do it. That’s just a fact of life.
Trust is given and trust is earned experientially – you cannot demand, coax, charm or wheedle it. But this is just me and I’m not saying I’m a “better” person for my outlook on life. I just have far more important and interesting things to do with my life than worry my little heart over who my guy might cheat with.
“(…) it’s not like you appreciate them one day and you stop the next.” I couldn’t agree more with that!
I had an experience with one of my ex-boyfriends. He couldn’t let go about a relationship that happened 3 months before I even met him. It drove me nuts! Did I say he is now my ex? Insecure men are such a turn off.
I do however think that if he keeps bringing up his ex, he’s not over her yet.
I totally agree… if he/she keeps bringing up an ex, then there are some “unresolved” issues there. But does it necessarily mean you’re being “played?” Some people get “stuck in the past” even when they have no second thoughts of getting back with an ex… anger, pain of rejection/abandonment, etc.
***Keeps bringing up an ex — tale-tell sign with a question mark. There is a possibility he/she could be on the rebound and using you (but not intentionally) to get over an ex (and you may even know it but choose to believe what you want to believe).
But there are also some men and women who don’t want the person they’re dating to say anything positive about an ex… they ask questions and when the person answers honestly, they automatically conclude “he/she’s not over an ex yet!” They assume all exes are exes because they were “bad” people, and all break-ups are nasty/painful – which is not true for everyone.
***Says positive (fond) things about an ex — not necessarily a red flag unless they’re saying it in ways that suggest they still have hopes of someday getting back together.
I am very much still a part of y ex’s life because we have children. I have met his current girlfriend and she seems like a pretty decent woman. My ex still tries to come on to me and I often told him that to give in to his desires would mean that I am a lonely, desperate woman. I told him that he should not do things like that because it would have his gf feeling insecure about what she has with him. Guess what??? She no longer speak to me anymore when I drop my kids off at my ex’s house. I am fine with that but I feel like me coming around caused her to have ill feelings towards me. So I can see that staying in touch with your ex or always talking about an ex could be a problem. Just my thoughts.
This is a good example of “it depends on an individual character”. I personally don’t think you going there was the problem nor do I fault his gf for feeling the way she feels. There are many men in very similar situations to your ex who have more integrity and respect for their gfs and would not to come on an ex just because she’s still in his life. This is why I’m hesitant to put it there along with the other signs that you’re being played. Just because someone is friends with an ex or talks fondly of an ex should not stop someone from pursuing a relationship with great potential.
From personal experience and from working in this field long enough, I’d put a red flag tag on anyone whose EVERY SINGLE relationship ended with them having nothing good to say about an ex or “hating” an ex (and vice versa). These kind of people are just changing “faces” of exes but haven’t done anything to change/improve the only common denominator/constant factor in all those relationships — themselves! They’re looking for something in others that they themselves don’t have and blaming everyone else but themelves for their relationship problems.
People with someone who has only bad memories of, or is always talking badly about all his/her exes have to remember that there is a very, very high possibility that they’ll one day be that ex.