Many single women today are women who’ve worked so hard to become successful in their careers or businesses. They’ve learned the hard way that success doesn’t come without them taking control of situations and making it happen. They have taken this great attitude into their dating and love lives too and are not just content sitting around and waiting for a relationship to just happen.
The problem is that no matter what they try — flirting, complimenting, going out a lot more than most other people, hanging around dating sites just trying to meet more men, writing poetic emails, and even “coaching” men, nothing meaningful happens. Initial interest and a couple of dates and then it’s downhill from there. And sometimes there are very long stretches during which nobody’s asking them out.
Now, there is absolutely nothing wrong with going out to meet men and I have personally written a couple of articles about women taking the initiative to approach men and ask them out but there is a difference between “trying too hard” and “making it happen” naturally.
REAL men — the kind that strong successful independent women want — are innately programmed to be hunters; they love the thrill of the chase (real or imagined) and are put off by women who are acting desperate or “trying too hard”. Unfortunately, most women never learn, so they keep making the same mistakes over and over again.
1. Approaching a man to see if there is some chemistry there is making it happen. (You may want to read my article: Why ‘Bad Girls’ Get The Men ‘Good Girls’ Want).
Being sexually aggressive and trying to sexually entice a man you hardly know is “trying too hard”.
It turns decent men off and attracts those who just want sex. Sexually healthy women are aggressive from libido (and with men they know well), not from a twisted outlook on sexuality, men or power trips. Decent men are intrigued by a woman who is willing and able to talk about sex in a subtle and meaningful way, not one who is coming onto them like you-know-what on heat.
2. Giving him your telephone number/email address and telling him, “call me” or “email me” is making it happen.
Contacting him after you’ve given him your number and told him “call me” or “email me” is “trying too hard”.
See, if a guy really likes you, he’ll still remember to call you even after his mother’s funeral. If he is really into you and for some reason he lost your number, he will call your company receptionist and ask for your extension. If he doesn’t know where you work, he’ll contact all the people he thinks know you (the people you were with at the party when he met you) and if that fails he’ll go through all the listings on the Yellow Pages that have your last name on it. If that fails too, he’ll hang around places he thinks he’ll meet you again. That’s just how a man who really is interested in a woman is – the process of “chasing” you down is part of the hunting game. But PLEASE do not think that you just chanced upon one more “technique” for playing- hard- to- get and refuse to give the man you are really into your contact. What if everything fails and he really can’t find you?
3. Calling him for a first date is making it happen. Calling him to thank him for the date or just to see how he is doing, just once, is common courtesy.
Calling him for the second date is “trying too hard”.
If you are doing all asking and arranging of dates, if you are making more phone calls and if you are emailing more emails than you receive, or if you are the one traveling distances to meet guys you meet online, you are “trying too hard”. If you have to pursue a guy who you’ve already had a first date with or feel that you’ve given him enough reason to come after you (which he hasn’t), you are “trying too hard”.
4. Seducing a man with experiences that show him glimpses of what a life with you is like, experiences that make him think of you in the shower, on the way to work, during office hours, days, weeks and even years later is making it happen.
Sitting by the telephone you don’t pick up when it rings, and playing coy games like pretending to be busy to make yourself “scarce” in the hope that he’ll be more interested is “trying too hard”.
If a man is not inspired enough to chase you, making yourself “scarce” only makes you “forgettable” (too quickly) and interchangeable (for someone more inspiring). But if you’ve created very strong “emotions” in him (excitement, arousal, deep sense peace or self-growth), those emotions keep the pleasant feelings he associates with you alive in his memory, and he can revive or relive the pleasant feelings whenever he wants it – and mostly when you are not around. The stronger the emotion, the more lasting the memory, and the more lasting the memory the stronger the attraction towards you.
5. Speaking up and asking for more, in say, a casual dating relationship or asking to meet in person if you’ve been chatting with him online is making it happen.
Demanding for more than he can give or is prepared to give, or threatening to break up with him hoping that you’ll scare him to action, or actually breaking up with him when a “relationship” has barely started and pretending to have a hard time letting go is “trying too hard”.
He may be initially startled because no one enjoys the feeling of rejection, but not even the fear of rejection will make a man already NOT interested to suddenly become so interested that he’ll be all over you. After the feeling of rejection settles in, he will be the one to break up with you – for good. A majority of men (emotionally stable or otherwise) can not handle the pressures that comes with “we’re-on-and-we’re-off-again” stupid games.
I could go on and on about the differences between “trying too hard” and “making it happen” naturally. The bottom line is that if after the first date or couple of dates, he has doubts about you/relationship, he says he needs to take some time for himself, he wants to try things out with an ex or just doesn’t ever return your phone calls, LEAVE HIM ALONE. If you have to fight to break down his resistance, the mere fact that there is resistance in the first place is a red flag signal. If you feel that you are THE ONLY ONE working too hard (and he is not doing much) to make the relationship work you’ve already seen what the future looks like.
A woman operating from personal power and self-love does not need to force or manipulate a man to be with her or love her. She inspires men with WHO SHE IS! And once they’ve tested the “honey” that she is, they’ll come looking for it. That’s just the way human beings are!
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