This is one article that has to be written. It’s a long read, so buckle up.
When a relationship ends, it hurts whether you are the dumper or dumpee. However, when you are the dumpee, the end of a relationship can rock your very chore, and for some people, forever change who we are.
Some of us become bitter and angry, cynical and pessimistic, vengeful and emotionally out-of-control. We act irrationally and erratically, and sometimes lash out at anything and everyone that reminds us of our pain, more especially our ex. But this is not who this article is about.
This is about those of us who are reflective, introspective, over-analyzers. Those of us who really want to understand what happened, why it didn’t work, what we could have done differently, and what lessons we can take from the experience.
I fall into this category, so I know exactly how “our minds” work. While we should all reflect, be self-accountable, take responsibility for our actions, forgive, work to become better versions of our selves, not give up on love… we should also be realistic.
1. It’s all my fault.
People who externalize emotional pain blame everyone and everything else except themselves. People who internalize emotional pain blame themselves. Over-analyzers are the worst at internalizing emotional pain.
Here is the thing, you are not helping yourself, your ex or your relationship taking responsibility for everything that went wrong in the relationship. It may be true that you’re responsible for a lot of the problems in the relationship, but making yourself the worst-partner-ever is not the way to show your ex you regret your actions.
One, your ex might actually believe you.
Two, your ex will think you are not sincere. S/he may not admit it to you, but deep inside they know they are not perfect and therefore bear some responsibility for what went wrong in the relationship. When you take 100% responsibility, they know you are not being honest.
Three, it’s plain desperate… and not attractive at all.
The gift, and at the same time the curse of an over-analytical mind is that it tries to find meaning and reason in everything… and sometimes “makes up things” to explain what it can’t find an explanation for.
I’ve listened to clients tell me “what happened”, and I’m sitting there thinking…”how did you come up with all that to explain this…”. The more questions I ask, the more removed from reality the story becomes.
I sometimes have to force a client back to reality by asking that they just state the bare facts (what happened, who said what), and at the time reassure them that later we’ll talk about his/her thoughts about it. But even that sometimes doesn’t work because they can’t tell apart what is fact (what really happened) and what is their thoughts about it (the story they’ve told themselves over and over).
If you find yourself grasping for this and that to explain what happened, the truth is more likely simpler. You probably have all the answers you need, but as usual, you are over-analyzing, over exaggerating and over projecting. And everyone around you is “tired” of listening to you try to “understand” what happened.
3. But, everything was great.
It’s true that in the beginning the relationship may have been out-of-this-world amazing (and you are not over exaggerating things). But the fact that you are broken up means that the relationship wasn’t as great as you are making it out to be.
I’ve found that the more someone considers him/herself a “positive thinker” (glass is always full), the more likely they are to over-exaggerate how “wonderful” the relationship was. And in almost every case, the person claims he/she was blindsided by the break-up… they didn’t see it coming.
And it is not just the break-up that they didn’t see coming, they are trying to get their ex back, and time after time things happen that they say they didn’t see coming.
This is the most common one. Their ex said he/she wanted to focus on him/herself… be single for a while… didn’t want to be in a relationship with anyone (not ready for a relationship). But next thing they know… their ex is seeing a new man or woman.
Guess what… “I didn’t see it coming!”
Admitting that the relationship had problems or wasn’t what you expected doesn’t mean you are invalidating what was great about it.
Some people think that if they admit that things weren’t so great, others will tell them to forget about their ex and move on. This is a legitimate concern. Too many people are quick to say “move on”, without knowing any facts about a relationship, and without concern for the fact that you still love your ex and want to be with him/her… and not all the other fish in the sea.
But not admitting even to yourself that the relationship had problems is self-deception – and can make it impossible to get back your ex.
Republished by Blog Post Promoter