5 Reasons To Maintain Contact With Your Ex

5-reason-to-maintain-contact-with-your-ex-text-exCommunication is one of the top causes, if not, “the” top cause of break-ups. It’s no surprise that “communicating with your ex” is one of the biggest challenges post break-up– and also the most polarizing when it comes to how to get one’s ex back. Some people believe no communication will make their ex miss them and want to come back. Others, like myself, believe communication is crucial to the continuity of any relationship.

Good communication is the glue that holds a relationship together; without communication there is really no relationship.

The easiest way to send a message that you do not want a relationship with someone is to cut off lines of communication. But if you want a relationship of any kind, it is imperative that you have some kind of communication for the relationship to continue or survive.

Communication is even more important post break-up because:

1. Break-ups leave lingering feelings suspicion, mistrust and tension – particularly when things haven’t been going well for a while. The message you send by blocking communication is that the relationship is un- salvageable. That message is louder and clearer if poor communication was what caused the break-up in the first place.

2. After a break-up, things simply are not what they appear to be – even if you think you know your ex. Loss of communication means that you are disconnected from each other and from what’s happening in each other’s lives. The longer you stay away, the more disconnected the two of you become. You become “strangers” to each other.

3. Willingness to keep the lines of communication open in unpleasant situations is a sign of mental strength and emotional maturity. It shows you are secure within yourself. So while “No Contact” helps you avoid misunderstandings and potentially explosive situations, it sends a subtle but powerful message about your inability to handle your own emotions and the emotions of others. Whatever happens later, it’s hard to change the implanted image of someone who can’t handle difficult situations.

4. An open line of communication provides better clarity of where things stand and if there is even a remote possibility of the two of you getting back together. “No Contact” on the other hand keeps you in false hope longer than is necessary.

5. Open line of communication also gives you opportunities to demonstrate that things can be different.

While maintaining contact with your ex significantly increases your chances of getting back together, if not used wisely, continued contact can have the opposite result. Make sure that you pursue quality and respectful communication instead of just timed contact. It is also important that you don’t expect or demand the kind of contact and communication that two people who are still together enjoy.

Trying to force things to be like before the break-up can do more harm than good. You may find that you are simply continuing the destructive pattern of communication that caused the break-up — and things are getting worse instead of better.

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  • Hello. I bought your book, following it to the letter, and progressed from texting with my ex to an agreement we talk on the phone every Sunday. Reason why I proposed it and he accepted, is because he doesn’t like texting and you pointed out I should communicate with him in his preferred way. So far so good….

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    • Good or you. Hopefully, you connect more emotionally and you get to speak more than once a week. You need momentum to move things forward. As mentioned repeatedly in the book, it’s not so much about number of contacts but level of emotional engagement that shows progress/interest. Without emotional engagement, you may find yourself speaking once a week for the next 2 -3 years, or until one of you moves on.

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      • Thank you! Thanks to your book I realized I was engaging in mindless chatter and with our weekly phone calls (his preferred way of contact), I aim to achieve meaningful communication, with the goal to connect when he comes home from work in a few months and socialize…. Wish me luck and wisdom… 🙂

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  • I want to add I did not contact her for 4 weeks to give her time and space. I started contact again sending her a text “”Hi, how are you?” she did not reply. I waited three weeks then I sent another text also no reply. She replied to the third one and i have since sent her two more, no reply.

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    • Every 3 weeks or once every week won’t make a difference. Communicating with your ex is not just a matter of contacting them every few days/weeks with updates of your life or the superficial “Hi, how are you?” and “Hi, what’s up”. Contact for contact’s sake or communication that is meaningless is not only ineffective, it can also make things worse.

      If you are not interested in the book, then spend some time reading “Attract Your Ex” articles. I’ve written extensively on effective communication that creates a desire in your ex not just to respond but to start seeing things in a different light. I’m sure you will understand that repeating what I’ve written over and over just isn’t the best use of my time.

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