Saturday August 23rd 2014

10 Mistakes To Avoid If You Want Your Ex Back

toronto_akiteng-983If you still have strong feelings for your ex, it’s only natural to want to fight to get him or her back. But contrary to what you might think, getting your ex to contact you, respond to your text/call, or even go out with you is not the hardest part of getting your ex back.

The hardest part is making sure things start of with a better chance of  the two of you actually getting back together for the long haul. Over the years, I’ve noted some potentially damaging moves both men and women make; moves that make it hard, if not impossible, to actually re-establish a real relationship.

1. Ego prop

Whether we admit it or not, we all have an ego, some people’s bigger than others but it’s still an ego. Being rejected wounds our ego and can provide fuel for a “never-give-up” attitude. If you are driven by the need to “prove” something by getting your ex back, you already are playing a loser’s hand. On the other hand, be careful when your ex contacts you with the pretense of “checking up on you” when in reality all they want to know is if they can still play with your feelings.

2. Booty Call

I personally have no “moral rule” on whether to have sex with your ex or not. If you’re old enough to willingly consent to having sex, you are old enough to suck it up if you get “used”. But while ex-sex can be tempting, it’s not a sign that your ex wants you back. If you had great sex, it’ll still be great after you break up. If sex wasn’t the reason you broke up in the first place, it won’t be the reason you get back together.

3. Plan B

Some ex’s are really good at stringing you along and making you think they want you back, but all the while keeping you around as plan B. Hope is a powerful thing and can make you settle for “something is better than nothing”. Personally, I think that hope is important in this process, you must be hopeful to be successful. But you must also be realistically hopeful. Plan B, is plan B. If  Plan A works, there will be no Plan B.

4. Just Friends

Common sense says if you offer your ex friendship they will see how you are willing to give up the hope of a romantic relationship just to have them in your life. But if a romantic relationship is what you want, you are hurting yourself by lying about your intentions. If “friendship” is not defined from the start, trying to define it later will only make things more complicated — and you may end up with no lover and no friend.

5. ATM

Money or material enticements are for losers. Period. You get what you pay for — no more, no less.

6. Therapist

Trying to “help” your ex become a better person (one you’d like them to be) is probably the worst mistake you can ever make. Even real qualified therapists would rather go to someone else other than their spouse, partner or even friend for therapy. Why? Because you can’t be a lover and therapist at the same time. Your own agenda will interfere with the “therapy sessions” and may make things worse. Your ex may become suspicious of your “help”, and once trust becomes an issue, your chances of getting back are very slim.

7. Re-locating

Trying to get your ex back long distance adds another layer of difficulty into the process. It’s much easier if you are in the same geographically location. But packing up and moving just to be near your ex — unless your ex specifically asked you to — will hurt your chances more than it will help.

8. Social re-enforcement

Friends and relatives are a good social support and can be very helpful in bringing the two of you together. But pulling in others can also have a negative influence on your chances for the simple reason that you do not really know who is on your side and who is not — and why. And some exes just hate it when you involve their friends and family into their business. They don’t want to be answering questions about you to others.

9. Facebook

Let’s just say, it is very easy for people to get jealous or weird on Facebook.

10. Advice-shopping

Those of us who do this work and have books on getting your ex back would like to tell you that if only you follow our advice you are guaranteed to get your ex back. Not always the case. Even the best advice is only as good as the person who uses it. If you find yourself buying many books and confused by the advice or can’t follow the advice long enough to see some changes, it’s not the books. You probably have no chance to begin with, or you have a chance but something in you is preventing you from being able to implement the right steps that will get back your ex.