10 Ways Your Ex Feels Rejected By You

It seems that these days, everyone is writing about their experience of dating or being in a relationship with a narcissistic boy/girlfriend, spouse, partner or ex. I myself have written one article on selfish boy/girlfriends.

While there are men and women who are 1) incapable of love, 2) who don’t know how to open their hearts to love and 3) who don’t want to give love, there are just as many men and women who are incapable of and don’t know how to receive love.

Many pride themselves in being independent, secure and not needy or clingy, even aloof and distant. But while there is nothing wrong with being independent, secure (these are desirable traits we all must strive to have if we want to experience healthy and fulfilling relationships), sometimes, these wonderful traits can actually stand in the way of what we so badly want — a healthy and fulfilling relationship.

Deep inside you may want so badly for someone to love you, but your actions send the message “Don’t give me your love, I’m incapable of receiving it.”

You’re are rejecting, closed off and unreceptive to receiving love when:.

1. You’re too proud to show how you truly feel about someone. You believe that showing/telling someone how you truly feel about them is a weakness.

2. You have your own set preconceived ideas as to how love should be given, and reject any other way it is being given;

3. You’re afraid of feeling vulnerable which often happens automatically when you open yourself to receive.

4. You tell people who love you that you do not believe they really love you even when they are doing all the things you’re asking for.

5. You complain the other person never demonstrates his/her love enough or “right”, but when he/she attempts to be open – in his/her own way, you respond in a hurtful way.

6. You put on a performance of “receiving” without actually receiving it. You accept physically but don’t receive in your mind and heart.

7. You quickly give back to counter the love or expressions of love you have just been given.

8. You hold back accepting affection and intimacy because you fear that if you enjoy it too much and it’s taken away, it’ll hurt. It’s happened before, many times in fact.

9. You give and withhold love as away to manipulate or punish.

10.  You end a relationship because you think you’re offering the other person a chance to walk away from you.

Without you intending it, and despite the fact that what you really want is a loving relationship, inability to receive or refusing to receive love the way it is given communicates an unwillingness to be open to what the other person is trying to give you. You can only close someone out for so long, at some point they’ll walk out of your life.

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8 Comments

  • Yangki, after trying so hard to help him get over his addiction, I finally came to the conclusion that you cannot help someone who doesn’t want your help. Since removing him out of my life, I feel nothing but relief. Thanks for all your articles, they have really been of great help.

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    • Great lesson to learn. Watching someone you love self-destruct is painful but allowing others to take responsibility for their own lives is a gift to them even if it doesn’t appear to be at the time.

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  • I wasn’t sure where to post this one. I broke up with my ex but after 2 weeks realized I made a huge mistake. I tried contacting him but he wouldn’t respond. I figured out he must still be hurting and gave him his space. Sent him a xmas card and also his birthday was in January, so I sent him a card too, both times no response. End of Feb. sent him another email but again never heard from him. This is where it gets weird. 2nd week of March, he sends me a text, I didn’t respond. For 2 days he sent me 3 – 4 texts a day. Finally I responded. We’ve been in contact everyday, but it just isn’t the same. I don’t know why, but I don’t feel for him the way I used to. Is this normal?

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    • What you are experiencing is normal, and happens more times than most people realize. It could be that your feelings for him have truly changed and you are ready to move on with someone new or that you haven’t let go the fact that he “ignored” both your apology and attempts to reach out to him.

      I suggest that you have an honest talk with him about how you feel. You may be able to figure out exactly where the discomfort comes from, or decide it isn’t working and go your separate ways without any animosity.

      You can never go wrong with being true to how you feel – whatever direction it takes you.

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  • I also was very needy in my relationship and was constantly doing things for my ex which made him resent me. I didn’t understand why until I took your breakup recovery course and understood that that he resented me because I was trying to control him. Since letting go my controlling habits, things are amazing between us. He’s noticed how more relaxed I am and I’ve noticed him making an effort to do things that he knows make me happy. You saved my relationship. thank you.

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    • No, YOU saved your relationship.

      I have often wondered what happened after you completed the course. I’m glad things are amazing…(:

      I’m still working out a platform for “happy” stories like yours. I’ll be contacting you once I have that sorted out. In the meantime, please keep sharing and encouraging others not to give up without a “good” fight.

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  • Yangki, I realized my mistakes taking your break-up recovery course. My favorite part is on openness to receiving love. I was giving too much and compromising way too much that I was losing myself. Your advice has fundamentally changed the tone of our conversations and laid the groundwork for a more collaborative environment. She still wants to move to Oregon but at least we’re talking about it.

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    • I’m happy for you…(: Giving your ex the opportunity to exercise his/her own ability to give (his/her own way), changes the dynamics of a relationship. Sometimes that’s hard because many of us fear that the other person may not be able to give or may not want to give, and so we give way too much or compromise way too much to try to “save” the relationship.

      You will never know if you are with a person who is incapable of giving or doesn’t want to give (or even loves you) if you do not let them show who they really are. As I discuss in the course, if you are always trying to “control” things because of your own fears, you end up carrying the relationship all by yourself.

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