Emotion #6 – Interest
Getting our ex interested in us (or at least trying to) is probably the one thing that many of us trying to get back our ex know a lot about.
But what is interest as an emotion?
Fredrickson describes interest as the feeling when “something new or different draws your attention, filling you with a sense of possibility.” The emotion we feel when we’re drawn to “to explore” and the sensation of being “utterly fascinated.”
No wonder many of struggle with getting an ex interested in us again. How do you draw the attention of someone who has known you, probably for years? How do you get him/her fascinated enough to want to “explore” a relationship with you again? How do you get them to feel a sense of possibility?
By drawing their attention to something new or different. They key here is that something has to be new or different to elicit interest.
This can be new changes you’ve made since the break-up. A new skill you’ve learned. A new hobby you’ve taken into. A new job, car, housing arrangement, furniture etc.
Once you have made the changes and/or have something new to share with your ex, the next step is to build curiosity into your communications. If your ex is not fascinated enough to want to explore or find out more, it doesn’t matter how many changes you’ve made. The best you can hope for is non-interested “I am happy for you”, but what you’ll probably get is “You need to do it for yourself”.
If you can generate curiosity in your ex, you can hold their attention enough to see possibilities for a better relationship. Sometimes this includes using teasers to awaken their interest and build curiosity. It’s very important that you use teasers only when you absolutely know that your ex will be curious, and when you know how to use it, otherwise it may come across as playing a mind game and instead of arousing interest, you arouse suspicion and distrust.
I’ve worked with so many people who tried to trigger interest in their ex by sending “I have something new/interesting to tell you” teaser texts. Many got no response. Those that got a curious response from their ex managed to go as far as 2 -3 texts and the conversation dried up. You know why? Because like all mind games, that move can only go so far.
The curiosity you must aim for should send the message “I know you know a lot about me, but you don’t know this.” (See my article: How Do I Show My Ex I’ve Truly Changed?).
Used properly, building curiosity into your communications can persuade your ex to give you their full attention.
I need to point out that, in the initial stages of re-establishing communication, your ex may not be interested in anything you have to say, let alone in the new changes you’ve made or new and different things happening in your life. To get past this, show genuine interest in your ex instead. A lot of research shows that people are more interested in those that are interested in them. Start there.
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