Emotion # 5 – Joy
Joy as an emotion includes happiness but is more than happiness. It’s also delight, enjoyment and playfulness of spirit. That thing that makes us want to share the goodness in us and in our lives, freely and unconditionally.
Unfortunately, it’s also the emotion that many men and women trying to get back their ex don’t have. We’re hurting, sad, angry, frustrated and confused, and it comes across in our communication with our ex and in the way many of us behave.
You may think, “I don’t show him I am angry” or “I don’t let her see I am hurting” but if your ex’s responses are always guarded or if they consistently respond angrily, they probably can sense that you are hurting or angry.
The thing with emotions is that most people can sense our energy-in-motion (e-motion) even when we’re trying to suppress it. That’s why it’s necessary to cultivate joy in yourself first for you to be able to trigger it in your ex.
It’s probably easier to come up with ways to trigger joy in your ex if you think of joy as something you spread rather than trigger.
Some of the ways you can spread joy to your ex is with little pleasant surprises that your ex wasn’t expecting, or small actions that show that you are sharing the goodness in you, freely and unconditionally. It could be something as small as a genuine compliment, a kind word in the middle of a tensed conversation or (depending on what stage of the process you are in), a hug, flowers etc.
Again, as mentioned earlier, some actions can create the opposite effect, so be very aware of where in the stage of the process you are in. Too soon after the break-up or with an ex who is putting up strong resistance is not a good time to send flowers for example.
The coming holidays (Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanza) is a good time of the year to “spread joy”. The holidays are a good time at any stage of the process because everyone is “spreading joy” and there is nothing suspicious about you doing the same. The same goes for other holidays, your ex’s birthday or his/her child’s birthday etc. A simple holiday or birthday wish with no strings attached goes a long way in building goodwill.
Seeing that you are able and willing to give of yourself without any conditions (e.g. take me back), will help your ex relax his/her suspicions about you and lower the guard they’ve put up to keep you out of their space and lives.
More importantly, people generally like to be around people who exude joy, and you probably haven’t been a joy to be around for a while. Now is a good time to encourage an interaction that is joyful and playful, and be a joy to be around.
Note: There are some underlying conditions like depression, anxiety or just plain tuned-out-of life states that make it hard to experience joy. This may even be what caused the break-up in the first place. To be able to trigger joy in your ex, work with a professional who can help you better cope with depression or anxiety. I know, easy said than done, but I am a very strong believer in trying.
To quote Michael Jordan, “I can accept failure, everyone fails at something. I can’t accept not trying.”
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