Emotion #10 – Inspiration
When I tell my clients to inspire their ex to want to come back into the relationship, most of time they are confused about what to do.
This is because we often think of 1) the ability inspire as something only certain people are gifted with, and 2) relationships as something we “get” or “get into” rather than something we inspire. Even the language we use: “get” back our ex suggests than an ex is someone we get rather than inspire.
Inspiration matters a lot because an inspired person is more likely to be more open to new experiences, more likely to act (on their freewill), and more likely to follow through on previous commitments.
So how do you get your ex to feel inspired?
The difference between truly inspirational people and the wannabes is that wannabes talk the talk, and truly inspiring people walk the talk.
If you want your ex to be more open and vulnerable, you need to be more open and vulnerable yourself (even when it hurts). If you want your ex to act like you are still an important part of his/her life, act like he/she is still an important part of your life. If you don’t want your ex sending mixed signals, communicate honestly and directly, and don’t play mind games.
People inspire others because they are seen as leaders.
The reason you are broken up is because the relationship didn’t work right. You know it and your ex knows it. But since you are the one trying to get back your ex, it means that you are also the one who’s probably thought a lot more about how things can be better, and the one who has made most of the changes so that the relationship can work better.
To make it work right, you have to be the “leader” in 1) reaching out and connecting; 2) moving things forward and; 3) shaping the kind of relationship you want and hope for.
People inspire us because they challenge us to be what we know we could be, and to do what we know we are capable of.
If you are doing things that make your ex question him/herself, question his/her value or his/her desirability as a partner, you are doing exactly the opposite of inspiring.
Your ex is more likely to be more open to you if they feel that you want what’s best for them, and not trying to “get” what you want from them.
Some ways you can show you want what’s best for them and challenge them at the same time include:
- showing genuine interest and providing positive feedback on the bids of emotional connection they send you.
- encouraging him/her to pursue things he/she felt he/she could not when you were in a relationship.
- being supportive even when what they are doing feels like a threat to the possibility of getting back together (e.g. they want to go back to school, want to travel, start a business/new career, relocate etc).
- help in whatever they’re doing to better themselves. Send a relevant article, introduce him/her to a useful business contact, read up on something they’re working on and have a discussion etc.
To make sure you do not come across as intruding too much into your ex’s life or trying to control him/her, encourage him/her to live up to his/her own expectations of him/herself, not live up to your expectations (“I’m proud of you” versus “you must be proud of yourself). This is the difference between challenging someone to be better and do better, and trying to change him/her.
Note: If you want to explore more on how to trigger the 10 emotions and move things along faster, sign up for one-on-one coaching. All relationship are different and each ex is is different, what may work for one may not work for the other. Knowing more about your relationship and about your ex helps me tailor advice to what will mostly likely work with your ex. If you sign up for o-going coaching, I can help you tailor a plan of action complete with emotionally designed experiences, and together we will monitor progress.
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